I remember when she would slip 2,000 rupiah underneath my folded shirt in the cupboard everyday - i saw it as an act of unconditional love, a rebellion even, something she wasn’t supposed to do.

I thought of so many ideas to honor her: burning joss paper car to send to the afterlife, being a doctor (lol young me prayed so hard that if she recovered from the heat stroke I would become one), even making a whole interactive electronic theatre with booms and bangs.

Yet none of that matter as I realized:

She wasn’t doing anything heroic, nor anything big. She simply invited me to her world of coffee, Chinese zodiac, deck of cards, early morning fortune-telling. And ultimately by doing so, she simply loved me.

There’s too much hate in this world. And I might bore you by saying this, but screw it: to be soft in this hard world is an asset (not a performative one). Endurance is a proof of power, and if that power is unconditional, nothing and no one can take it away.

Happy birthday, pho pho! I made you a song (there’s not much else I can do).

Iin Rahayu (October 20, 1936 - October 20, 2008)

You wouldve been 90 today!

________

Maybe if i learn to fly the dice,

What a life this all has been,

I'm dying for a change,

But it all comes to a halt,

Oh what a hole

That we all have to ignore its tension,

Please, hold, don't go,

It’s a long ride

What a hole we left

Maybe if i had a plan

I’d fill the gap in our hands,

Would've been so hard to tell,

All the bad sheets in the backseat,

What a horrible,

That we all have to ignore the tension,

Please don't, go home,

It's a long ride

We’ve evolved and revolted,

The asphalt, the marks we left behind

Everytime we say goodbye,

Goodbye,

What a hole we left

We’ve evolved and revolted,

The rainfalls that goes after the storm,

Everytime we say goodbye,

Goodbye,

What a hole we left

Goodbye